Friendships can be beautiful learning opportunities for kids, especially when they involve differences like neurodivergence. However, not all friendships last forever, and sometimes circumstances make it necessary to guide your neurotypical child in gently stepping back from a friendship. If your child’s friend is neurodivergent and displays externalising behaviours, this process can feel delicate and fraught with emotion, especially when we consider factors like rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD), hyperfocus, and the challenges of double empathy.
Here’s how you can approach this situation with care, empathy, and understanding for both children involved.
Step 1: Reflect on the Reasons Behind the Shift
Before addressing the situation with your child, take a moment to reflect on why they feel the need to step away from the friendship. Are the dynamics becoming overwhelming for your child? Are externalising behaviours creating a safety concern? Or is it simply a matter of growing apart? Understanding the root of the issue will help you frame your guidance more effectively and ensure you’re prioritising kindness.
Step 2: Educate Your Child About Neurodiversity
Explain that their friend’s behaviours may be shaped by how their brain works. Concepts like rejection sensitive dysphoria mean that even small rejections may feel devastating to their friend, while hyperfocus could make the friendship feel particularly intense for the neurodivergent child. By understanding these dynamics, your child can approach the situation with empathy rather than frustration.
For example, you might say:"You know how some people feel things really deeply? Your friend might be one of those people. It’s not wrong; it’s just how their brain works. So we need to be extra kind when talking to them about changes."
Step 3: Reframe the Friendship as Changing, Not Ending
Rather than framing the transition as a “breakup,” help your child see it as a shift. Friendships often evolve, and teaching your child to communicate this respectfully can reduce the emotional impact on both sides.
Encourage your child to say things like:"I’ve really loved spending time with you, but I need to spend more time focusing on [school, sports, other friendships]. We can still hang out sometimes, but it might not be as much as before."
Step 4: Offer Alternative Supports
If your child’s friend struggles with rejection or hyperfocus, their immediate response may be intense. Prepare your child for this possibility and discuss how they can respond kindly without taking on responsibility for the other child’s feelings.
Step 5: Build Emotional Resilience in Your Own Child
Your child may feel guilt or confusion about stepping back. Reassure them that it’s okay to set boundaries and prioritize their own needs. You can use this as an opportunity to teach healthy relationship skills, like communicating honestly, balancing empathy with self-care, and respecting differences.
Step 6: Reflect on Double Empathy
The concept of double empathy highlights that neurotypical and neurodivergent people often struggle to fully understand each other’s perspectives. Use this moment to teach your child about differences in communication and emotional processing, fostering long-term respect and inclusion.
For instance:"Your friend might not understand why things are changing, but it’s not because they don’t care—it’s just harder for them to see things from your perspective, just like it might be hard for you to see things from theirs."
Step 7: Stay Involved
Encourage your child to maintain some connection if possible, even if the intensity of the friendship changes. This might involve occasional playdates or simply a kind hello at school. A little effort can go a long way in softening the transition.
Supporting your child in transitioning out of a friendship with a neurodivergent peer requires thoughtfulness and compassion. By educating your child about neurodiversity, reframing the friendship as evolving rather than ending, and fostering kindness throughout the process, you can ensure both children feel respected and valued.
Remember, this is a learning opportunity for everyone involved, and by guiding your child through it with care, you’re helping them develop the skills to navigate diverse relationships throughout their life.
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